Raising Confident Girls

Robi's article can be read here. The interview is below. Enjoy! --LKR

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6 Tips for Raising a Confident Daughter

Psychologist Robi Ludwig says parents can help their young girls grow up to be strong women by acknowledging their strengths, sharing their passions, and pointing out positive female role models.

This morning on "Parenting Today," raising confident girls. Every parent wants her daughter to grow up to be strong, smart, and successful women. But in a world filled with mixed messages that often highlights beauty over brains, parenting a young woman can be daunting. Here with some advice is psychologist Robi Ludwig, contributor to care.com. Good morning, Robi.

Good morning.

So much to talk about here. I'm very interested in this as the father of a young girl. We do put an awful lot of emphasis on appearance in our society.

It's true. In fact, care.com did a survey and found what adjectives did mothers use when describing their daughters. You're beautiful. So clearly, listen, we live in a world where beauty does count. But if that's the only message your send to your child it's a dangerous one because really, we're comparing ourselves to images at one point that aren't even really real. And you don't want to give your child that there's only one trait that matters.

So how do you fight what's happening in society? Because as you say the reality is you go out into the world and people will judge a woman on her looks. You open up magazines, it's all about appearance. How do you fight that?

You have to remember that as a parent, your voice counts. In fact, it lives inside your child for the rest of their lives. So if you help your daughter understand that, yes, looks are important, but often what they're comparing themselves to are airbrushed images or there are many successful people in the world who are not only attractive, but they're smart, and confident, then that message will get through to your child.

And maybe when you're giving a compliment to your daughter lead with smart.

And also confident. so when you're looking at your daughter, point out, you know, "I really like how thoughtful you are with your friends". Or, "Wow, you are such a great cook". or "Oh, you're so organized. In fact, you're more organized than Mommy". You're pointing out things that she's good at. And you're noticing her strengths. And really, part of having high self-esteem is knowing what you're confident and good at.

I love the second one. Share your daughter's passion. Explain that one.

You want to plug in to what your daughter likes. And this sends the message, what she likes and what she is turned on by really matters to you. So you really are following your daughter's lead and you're also sending the message, "You don't need to be exactly like Mommy and Daddy. You can be like yourself, and have your own interests, and we will follow those interests and expose you to those interests".

And expand into some fields dominated by boys like science.

Math and science and we're seeing women, you know, representing all areas these days, which is terrific.

Your next tip, teach her to claim her own strengths with pride.

Right.

What does that mean?

Men are really good at this. But sometimes little girls or women have a hard time saying, "You know what, I'm really great with vocabulary". Or "I'm a fabulous reader". or "I'm a fabulous runner". You don't want to necessarily encourage them to say it to every single person that they meet. But basically have a knowledge of themselves. It''s wonderful because they're going to need it in terms of going out into the world and being resilient. And the person who is confident about the many areas that they have strengths in, they tend to be the more humble people.

Now, what's the best way for a parent, a father like me, to be supportive when a young girl is struggling with her self-esteem, maybe hearing things at school from friends that are making her feel bad about herself. What can I do as a dad?

Well, listening is learning. You basically want to listen to your child, remind her of all of her strengths and why she is special, remind her how you are there for her as a parent. and you may want to tell a story about something that happened to you in childhood or somebody who's prominent, who went through something similar and came out the other end. But basically the job of a parent is to help your child make sense of what's going on in their lives.

We're running out of time. But I want to get to point out positive female role models that we see in public. But also incorporate everyone in your daughter's circle. family, friends. How do you pull that off?

Basically, tell your baby sitters, your extended family, that you want your child to know that she's smart and to identify the areas in which she's good at. It's not just about beauty. It's the total package, a person that feels good about themselves. It starts in the home and they know that there are lots of areas that they're good at and strong.

Great advice. And you said the right thing. Parents have the strongest voice.

They really do. It lives on forever. so your voice counts the most.

Robi, thanks so much. Great to talk to you this morning.

A Shocking, Subtle, Secret Story

No doubt you've seen the adds for the movie. It's reminiscent of the Narnia movie, but looks can be deceiving, just as the tip of the iceberg was to the Titanic--by the time anyone saw it, it was too late.

We had seen the trailer for The Golden Compass over the summer which looked like a fun, cute movie to take the kids to see. Fortunately, I recognized the storyline, and when I heard the name "Lyra", immediately scratched it off my list.

Lyra is the main character in the first of a trilogy of books put out by Phillip Pullman, and is the secondary character in the second book, The Subtle Knife. My son had innocently brought home this book from his elementary school's library when I picked it up and started reading it.

The reason I'm so fervent, for those of you just hearing this from me for the first time, is because I read the entire second book in the series called The Subtle Knife and was quiet disturbed by its content very early on.

The media is defending this movie, making it look like only "kooky Christians" are concerned. I'm here to tell you that while I am indeed a born-again Christian, I was disturbed about its content long before I ever learned of this book's plot at the very end when "killing the Authoriy" is revealed.

How many of us would be indifferent upon learning of a book that talks about castrating young boys and girls? Shocking? Just wait, there's more!

It also paints evil as good and good as evil, revenge and murder as justifiable and worthy, among many other things.

In a very short amount of time, our town received over 400 signatures from concerned citizens who signed petitions when a murderer moved into one of our neighborhoods. They were neighbors. I doubt very many, if any at all, would call this man, or any other murderer a "worthy companion" like Lyra does in the second book!

These books are vile even if they did not attack God or Christianity. They are surprisingly found in many elementary schools for the advanced readers. I strongly believe they should be removed. All books influence people, especially young, impressionable minds, even in the name of "fantasy".

Pullman writes very compellingly, and Hollywood is out for the big bucks. Mega efforts are going toward promoting not only the more benign film, but the wicked trilogy itself.

Does the below sound like a book you'd like your kids to read? They are taken from The Subtle Knife: --LKR


He (Will) couldn't get out of his mind the crack as the man's head struck the table, and the way his neck was bent so far and in such a wrong way, and the dreadful twitching of his limbs. The man was dead. He'd killed him.

And now he'd killed one of them.

So the police would be after him too.

Well, he was good at not being noticed. He'd have to not be noticed harder than he'd ever done in his life before, and keep it up as long as he could, till either he found his father or they found him. And if they found him first, he didn't care how many more of them he killed.



She had asked: What is he? A friend or an enemy?

The alethiometer answered: He is a murderer.

When she (Lyra) saw the answer, she relaxed at once. He could find food, and show her how to reach Oxford, and those were powers that were useful, but he might still have been untrustworthy or cowardly. A murderer was a worthy companion.

54 "I know the man Stanislaus Grumman. I used to love him. But I hate him now with such a fervor that if I see him, I shall kill him... .."--a young witch named Juta Kamainen 322-323 ...Something shot down from the turbid sky, and he John Perry) fell back dead before he could say a word, an arrow on his failing heart. "No! No!" Cried witch Juta K., and fell down after him, clutching her own heart. ... "Why did you do that?" he [Will] shouted. "Why did you kill him?" Because I loved him and he scorned me! I am a witch! I don't forgive!" "What did he ever do to you that you needed to kill him?" he cried. ... And she looked at the dead man. ... "No, I can't explain," she said. "You are too young. It wouldn't make sense to you. I loved him. That's all. That's enough." And before Will could stop her, she fell softly sideways, her hand on the hilt of the knife she had just taken from her own belt and pushed beteewn her ribs.

257

261 talking about his mother: "They were tormenting her just like those kids at the tower with the cat.... They thought she was mad and they wanted to hurt her, maybe kill her, I wouldn't be surprised. She was just different and they hated her. Anyway, I found her [his mom] and I got her home. And the next day in school I fought the boy who was leading them. I fought him and I broke his arm and I think I broke some of his teeth--I don't know. And I was going to fight the rest of them, too, but I got in trouble and I realized I better stop... so I just pretended to be sorry and told the teachers I wouldn't do it again, and they punished me for fighting and I still said nothing. But I kept her safe, see. No one knew [about his mother's problems--being afraid of things she couldn't see, but he didn't want people to think she was crazy and get separated from his mom] apart from those boys, and they knew what I'd do if they said anything; they knew I'd kill them another time. Not just hurt them. ..."

264 "What about the man you killed?" Lyra said, her heart beating hard. "Who was he?" "I don't know. If I killed him, I don't care. He deserved it. ... And I ran away. That's all that happened. So I didn't mean to kill him, but I don't care if I did. ..."

talking of killing the Authority pages 45-47


46-47 "...I think he's aiming a rebellion against the highest power of all. He's gone a-searching for the dwelling place of the Authority Himself, and he's a-going to destroy Him. ... I'd be afraid to speak it aloud to you if you weren't a witch and beyond the power of the church; but that makes sense. and nothing else does.He's a-going to find the Authority and kill Him. ... The Church teaches that some of the angels rebelled before the world was created, and got flung into hell. They failed, you see, that's the point. They couldn't do it. And they had the power of angels. Lord Asriel is just a man, with human power, no more than that. But his ambition is limitless. He dares to do what men and women don't even dare to think. And look what he's done already... ." --Thorold

50 "...There is a war coming. I don't know who will join with us, but I know whom we must fight. It's the Magisterium, the Church. ...For all history,...it's tried to surpress and control every natural impuse. And when it can't control them, it cuts them out. ... They cut their sexual organs, yes, boys and girls; they cut them with knives so that they shan't feel. That is what the Church does, and every church (c) is the same: control, destroy, obliterate every good feeling. So if a war comes, and the Church is on one side of it, we must be on the other, no matter what strange allies we find ourselves bound to. ..." --witches speaking???

319-320 "...If you're the bearer of the knife, you have a task that's greater than you can imagine. ... There's a war coming, boy [Will]. The greatest war there ever was. Something like it happened before, and this time the right side must win. ... The knife,...they never knew what they were making, those philossophers. They invented a device that could split open the very smallest particles of matter... .. They had no idea that they'd made the one weapon in all the universes that could defeat the tyrant. The Authority. God. The rebel angels fell because they didn't have anything like the knife; but now... " Will's father, John Perry, aka Stanislaus Grumman